Throughout my career as a clinical psychologist, I worked with patients who struggled with many different mental health issues. Despite the differences, the overarching goals for everyone were choosing better self-care; choosing to treat themselves with kindness and compassion; and choosing to discern what actions were truly in their best interests.
In my memoir, A Very Narrow Bridge: Reflections of a Psychologist, I interweave my stories with those of my patients to reflect our common humanity. I disclose my own struggles to find better ways to take care of myself and make the point, repeatedly, that to teach is much easier than to do. There are times when my patients excelled at self-caring behaviour, while I slipped behind in my own life.
One of the important lessons I learned over the course of my career is that there is no discrete dividing line between “normal” and “abnormal” when it comes to mental health. All of us are vulnerable and struggle through life. We all walk along the narrow bridge of life and try to keep our balance, especially through stormy times. At some point, each of us experiences mental health challenges.
Pride and Gratitude
We are often encouraged to feel thankful for the good things that we have in our lives. We are thankful for things that we have that reflect our good fortune, not our own actions. We might feel thankful that we are alive, that we have a place to live, that we have food. Feeling thankful is important.
We are seldom encouraged to celebrate the good choices that we make in our lives that reflect our care for ourselves and others. Feeling proud of these choices is also important.
Good choices reflect our beliefs about our values; about what actions define a good, ethical person. The good things that we choose to do every day are never trivial, although we may fail to recognize that we have even done them, let alone consider them worthy of celebration. You might stop to open a door for a stranger. Or maybe you choose to give yourself a much-needed rest instead of plowing through work. Perhaps you email someone who is sick to wish them well. Or maybe you choose to go for a walk or do some other activity that will help you feel less stress. These are choices that truly are worth celebrating. They reflect your belief that you are a person who has worth and deserves to be cared for, and that you are essentially a good human being.
Every day is filled with opportunities to make choices for better self-care, which also involves helping others. Taking care of ourselves and helping others is a tricky balancing act. Our inner voice lets us know when we are helping others too much or not enough, if only we choose to listen. We know that we have achieved a better balance when we feel mostly good inside ourselves.
Helping others is part of self-care because it is gratifying. It is uplifting to give, not just to receive. Helping others is also part of self-care because it increases the chances that others will reciprocate.
I often encouraged my patients to keep a record of the good choices they made every day and read them every evening and every morning. These are affirmations of self-worth and self-care, and often helped soften their inner critical voice.
Choosing to be Assertive with Self-Care
When we ask for our needs to be met, we take a risk. Assertiveness is a courageous act. We do not know whether the other person will come through. But one thing is certain – if we do not ask, the other person will not meet our needs. No matter how close people are to us, they cannot mind read. Neither do we know what they need without their telling us.
It is assertive and self-caring to ask, for example, for a hug from a close friend if we feel the need. If our friend chooses to hug us, we can choose to say how much we appreciate it. If our friend does not, we can choose to say that we are disappointed and that we wish our friend would reconsider. Perhaps we ask for the reason the person is reluctant. Even if our needs are not met, we take better care of ourselves for having the courage to ask.
Asking for our needs to be met does not cheapen the gift in any way. Other people are free to grant our wish or not and if they do, they are doing so because they care about us. The fact that other people care about us affirms that we are loveable and worth caring about.
Choosing Compassionate Understanding and Forgiveness
Looking for the reasons behind our own actions with compassionate understanding requires honesty. Many of us hear a voice from within that is harsh and critical when we have regrets and have made mistakes. Perhaps we know that this voice comes from others who have criticized us, or perhaps it seems to have evolved on its own.
Whatever the origin, we can choose to speak kindly to ourselves. We speak to this voice as we would a close friend, with respect and compassion: “I understand that part of me is angry and regrets what I did. I am human, like everyone else. We all make mistakes. None of us know the future and how things will turn out. What would help me feel better in this moment?”
We can choose to focus on lessons learned from our mistakes and regrets rather than blame ourselves. We can choose to show ourselves the compassion and forgiveness that we would choose to show those we love.
Choosing better self-care is challenging because it involves breaking out of old habits and treating ourselves in more loving ways. Better choices are within our reach every day.
Eli’s Place will be a rural, residential treatment program for young adults with serious mental illness. To learn more about our mission and our proven-effective model, click here.
Dr. Rickey Miller, Ph.D. | Friend of Eli’s Place
Dr. Rickey Miller obtained her PhD in clinical psychology from the University of Waterloo. She was a Staff Psychologist at Toronto General Hospital and later Chief Psychologist at Scarborough Grace Hospital in Toronto. From 1990 to 2022, Dr. Miller maintained an independent clinical practice in Thornhill, Ontario. The Miller Social Intimacy Scale that Dr. Miller created as part of her doctoral dissertation has been published and continues to be employed in research focusing on the role that close relationships play in physical and emotional health.
Dr. Miller’s Poem, Can You See That Little Boy?, written after October 7, 2023, was published in the WordCity Literary Journal in October 2024. Dr. Miller is a long-time member of Temple Sinai, Toronto, where she met Deborah Cooper. When she became aware of the plans for Eli’s Place, Dr. Miller was immediately impressed. Throughout her career, Dr. Miller has been acutely aware that psychological treatment is, sadly, inaccessible for many who need it.
Besides writing and psychology, Dr. Miller has always had a passion for music. She plays the violin with the York Symphony Orchestra.
